Airline Management Solution to the current fuel crisis (funny)
Airline Management Solution to the current fuel crisis
Well here it is:
The airline industry is in a crisis. Its business model doesn't work with
the current price of fuel and the existing level of capacity in the
marketplace. We need to make changes in response.
While there have been several successful fare increases, those increases
haven't been sufficient to cover the rising cost of fuel. As fares
increase,
fewer customers will fly. As fewer customers fly, we will need to reduce
our
capacity to match the reduced demand. As we reduce our capacity, we will
need fewer employees to operate the airline. Although these changes will
be
painful, we must adapt to the reality of today's market to successfully
navigate these difficult times.
Therefore, a program to phase out the more senior pilots by the end of
the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.
Under this plan, senior pilots will be asked to take early retirement,
thus
permitting the retention of the new-hires who represent our future. This
program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Pilots). Pilots who are
SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the
company.
SLAPPED Pilots can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is
called
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All pilots who
have
been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This
appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, a pilot may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED
twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If a pilot follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP
(Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are
considered
benefit plans, any pilot who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer
be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger pilots who remain on board that
the
company will continue its policy of training pilots through our:
Special High Intensity Training (sh*t). We take pride in the amount of
sh*t
our pilots receive. We have given our pilots more sh*t than any company
in
this area. If any pilot feels they do not receive enough sh*t on the job,
see your Chief Pilot. Your Chief Pilot is specially trained to make sure you
receive all the sh*t you can handle.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
__________________
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, thats as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra
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hehe
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